5 Stupid Things People Say About Guns Next To The Braai

We’ve all been there. It is a Saturday night after a long and overdemanding week. You just want to relax next to a braai fire, probably with a cold beverage while you watch somebody inepter than you burn the meat. Maybe there’s some good music playing too, like Eagles of Death Metal, Dire Straits, or TaySway (don’t judge me). Then that one guy pipes up and starts talking about guns. He’ll probably be guilty of at least one of the below. Just one, if you’re lucky


1. “You’re not competent to use/own guns if you weren’t in the army.”

This guy will explain in detail how national service (or his equivalent conscripted military experience) not only made a man out of him, but also automatically imbued him with superior firearm handling skills. Long-winded elaborations about opfok, drilling, ironing, surviving inspections, and cleaning his issued rifle serve as supporting evidence as to why only he and people like him should be trusted with handguns. Even though he never touched a handgun when he was in the military three decades ago: that is not relevant. Just like it is not relevant that his 2XL beer belly doesn’t mean he can’t actually run the 2,4 in anything near 12 minutes without perishing from a catastrophic heart attack. If he does own a handgun, it will be in his safe and more rusted than the wreck of the Titanic.


2. “Carrying one-up is dangerous.”

Carrying a round in the chamber is a baaaaad idea according to this hombre. The secret to successful self-defence is to allow yourself to be disarmed of your empty gun (since that is going to happen anyway, because weapon retention is for N00bs), and then use your leet ninja-krav skillz to retrieve it from your adversary before he can realise your pistol is like your brain: empty. I concur there may be some merit to this: the confusion suffered by the robber/attacker as he tries to figure out what kind of imbecilic, morose f*ckwit would carry an empty gun ought to give you sufficient opportunity to take him out with your Israeli-Mossad-Elbow-Strike technique. This person also does not understand how the space-time continuum works: he will try to convince you he can shoot faster and more accurately after first having to chicken-wing his pistol, rather than just drawing and shooting like a homo sapiens.


3. “If you need more than five shots, you are dead anyway.”

This gem is usually uttered by some prehistoric fossil who refers to Clint Eastwood as “that kid who made nice Westerns”. In their opinion carrying a double-stack magazine is tantamount to premeditated murder, and just contemplating a spare magazine is literally being Rambo with a belt-fed M60. Probably because anything more complicated than an 1860 Colt Army revolver is the equivalent to Nazi space-magic to them, and because they believe all gun fights have rules requiring them to be over after a specific round count has been reached. Like boxing. Or your credit card at Teazers. They will also probably tell you how one-shot-drops are a thing that reliably happens, unlike their morning bowel movement.


4. “This new G2 RIP ammo is the way to go.”

This dude. There are not enough facepalms in the universe for this dude. He will tell you how shooting chickens and watermelons are a totally legitimate media for testing ballistic performance, and that seeing them explode makes him giggle. He will show you YouTube videos of guys in plate carriers and FAST helmets shooting water balloons. He will then drop terms like “buzz saw”, “trocars”, “multiple wound channels”, and “fragmentation”. When pressed on why he likes what is essentially a 55-grain pistol-fired projectile more than conventional hollow point ammunition, he will wildly gesture and spill his beer over you as he explains that .22LR is the chosen round by assassins all over the world, and that G2 RIP is basically a modern reinvention thereof. Or something equally stupid along these lines.


5. “Always be the Grey Man.”

He will talk quietly while wearing his Wiley X Romer 3s (even though it is night) about how it is important to blend in and not stand out. He says this unironically whilst clad from head to toe in 5.11 Tactical clothes, including morale patches, and wearing enough paracord around his wrist to bungee jump from Bloukrans. Also, he doesn’t EDC: he “operates”. Everyone will be referred to as “brah”, and his “situations” are always “dynamic”. Even when fetching milk from the fridge at 2AM. He will moan about how our oppressive laws do not permit him to carry in a drop-leg holster, and that the biggest challenge in his day-to-day life is planning “effective threat interdiction” while covertly moving through “the sheep”. He may or may not have secreted a Spyderco in his rectum. Either way it is better for everyone if you don’t ask.

14 thoughts on “5 Stupid Things People Say About Guns Next To The Braai

  1. Hey, I was in browns once upon a time! And I know quite a few people who were there as well. Never, not once, have I met someone of my age and older uttering this garbage around a fire. I find this discussion mostly centered around slightly younger people, with no experience of the defense force at all. Their beer guts are slightly bigger than mine too (no small achievement). They pick up this shit from Facebook, mostly. Maybe it’s the old “military guys” starting the rumours there? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah Tinus, I think this is celebrating a stereotype. I was also in browns and have never heard this. I think people should 1. Focus on constructive attitudes. 2. Know their enemy and stop being confused. 3. Choose their company more carefully if this is really happening!
      It reminds me of that old thing that pops up every now and then: How guys can make themselves more attractive (no sh*t I heard this regurgitated on radio last week):
      1. Stop wearing white socks with everything. (lol how about not hanging out with people who do that in the first place).
      2. Change your sheets every week. (Seriously? In SA the holder of that viewpoint almost definitely has a servant that does that for them. Who are they to judge. lol)

      Anyway just my 000.2c I understand that content is hard to come up with LOL.


  2. Had a guy like this a while back. Was at a convention, and Guy is a friend of a friend, mostly. He mentions that he recently handed in his competency, some of us say cool/nice. I miss about 5 seconds of the conversation and pick-up where Guy is busy glock-bashing. Unsave/would carry one because he doesn’t want to shoot himself etc etc. He prefers hammer-action pistols with an external safety, thats fine with me, to each his own. I’m trying to explain how the glock internal safeties work, but Guy keeps interupting me and glock-bashing some more. At this point anyone would realize that he doesn’t reallu want a normal discussion so I delivered my closing argument. “That’s your opinion, but your opinion is wrong”. This basically ended the gun discussion. Some people just don’t want to learn, and prefer internet “knowledge”


  3. I had “IF YOU NEED MORE THAN FIVE SHOTS, YOU ARE DEAD ANYWAY.” followed by one that was a new one for me “my father was the first to import handguns into South Africa and decided to import revolvers only because all the test pistols malfunctioned”


  4. Have had to deal with many such cases over the yeara and probably will in the future. As for the glock although I have personally handled one and shot with it. It is not my personal weapon of choice as I have been using an old school FN- Browning pistol and become too used to its feel and controls to easily change over to a now weapon. But to each his/her own. You use what best suits you. As for the glock being unsafe as a weapon. It is probably one of the safest weapons out on the market. Little wonder iy has been copied by many other makers world wide. Smith & Wesson has their version, Ruger too, CZ, Beretta….. you name a company and they probably have a variant of the Glock on their catalogue list……


  5. I’m also ex military and you gave me a good laugh now. I have a .38 Special as a SD weapon but will be upgrading to a 9mm soon. I bought what I could afford many moons ago. But the time has come to upgrade. I don’t care about brand name, as long as it does what it is intended to do. I do understand thaþ the firearm market has grown and I need to be careful what I buy.
    Nevertheless, thanks for the chuckle.


  6. I’ve heard every one of those to varying degrees.
    I also wore browns for 2 years, and did camps for what seemed like a lifetime.
    The only time I used a handgun was when a captain took a few of us to the range.
    Lemme also say, a lot of guys I saw with handguns she n the mag were terrible.


  7. The Glock is a well-made weapon and possibly fine for everyday use. I am however old school and have always been under the impression that a safety on a gun is meant to prevent the weapon from firing when the trigger is pulled.


    • Guy that is my point exactly. Nice fire arm but the main concern I have is not the trigger finger usage of the person that knows where to keep it at all times but the gangsta actor that always sticks his finger in the trigger guard without any reason. That is the guy that has me scared and I will always insist that tat person go ahead of me with his fire arm as I cannot trust his finger discipline. The same goes for manual safety firearms as the safety can be depressed..


  8. some of these idiots even made it out to Iraq as paid contractors…. we nicknamed them the ” Gear Queers ” all smoke no fire when it came to actually working…. man they sure did talk up a good fight……. Kbars thigh rigs bandannas and sunglasses for breakfast .. before even being briefed about the ops…!!!


  9. Don’t forget Mr. “Greyman ” has his/her blood patches ….everywhere! And Mr. Ex-SADF (not the SANDF he will pointedly smirk about) wasn’t just in the Army…he was a RECCE stationed in KuitoLuanda with the Koevoet Regiment’s Parabats… 🙂
    GS85…You rock! Thanks for always coming up with contentious and pertinent articles that make me snort coffee out my nose and all over the keyboard! Keep up the Razz !

    Liked by 1 person

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